I know I've given an impression of strength throughout the re-living of my past. And while that may remain somewhat true even now, there are moments (and days) that so completely derail me that the only way to get to the other side is to wallow in and cry through it.
My son's birthday has recently passed and historically this has been a very difficult day for me. It's not necessarily a tragic day, but it's also not as joyous as birthdays should be. I suppose the reason it's difficult is incredibly simple: I miss him. Mother's day is sometimes shaded by sadness, too. My wedding was the hardest. But then there are just random days, these moments that knock you off balance. For instance, I'll pass by his picture or see the memory box on the top shelf of my closet (things I do every single day) but on these days, I'm suddenly sent into flashes of memories and tearing up (well bursting into tears is closer to the truth). Also, anytime I hear a particular Creed song I will inevitably and quite spontaneously have an irrational meltdown, frightening and confusing anyone within visual range (total truth). I know it's akin to post traumatic stress, and it is so important to acknowledge that fact. You cannot give your child up without suffering. That hole left in your soul does not magically close.
The reason that I decided to write this post, however, was not because of once again being swept up in sadness, but because for the first year in a long time on his birthday I was alright. I received an email from his adoptive mom letting me know how she was thinking of me and just couldn't go to bed without telling me how much love they held for me. So of course, I welled up a little when I read that, but otherwise I feel gladdened by my current emotional state.
Perhaps writing the story did help me subconsciously in more ways than I realized. I can't say for sure, but what I can say is that there was no suffering this time, and that warms my heart. I know that there will still be days were my sorrow is triggered, but what is replacing the longing, is hope and contentment. Not so much filling the void, more like a shock-absorbent cushioning lining the edges of it. Confirming my thoughts and feelings in this blog and for all of you has calmed the storm of memories locked away in my heart. I rarely shared what I was feeling over the years, and when I did it was always tentatively (with the exception of those who had to witness the Creed disaster- sorry that couldn't be helped). This has been a "pouring" of the soul and seeing the story laid out in black and white has re-organized this mental compartment in a way that has left me more peaceful. There is a familiar saying that "the truth shall set you free" and in my conscious mind I know that sharing my truth with all of you has indeed freed a place in my heart from self-imposed chains. Thank you for that.