Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Altered View

When I began this journey leading to my son's adoption, I had faith that everything would work out the way it needed to.  I don't know where this faith came from, nor can I explain my conviction in the decision.  In my heart, I just knew what I had to do. Life after giving up your child is strange.  I was still the same person, but my perspective on everything changed so radically that it was almost eerie.  Everything seemed trivial and pointless. The world was darker now, and so was I. The love I feel for my son could never be put into words.  It has been twelve years and I still cry when I think of him.  The truth is, you never "get over" the loss of a child. I can't imagine the pain of those who have lived through the death of a child, but I think that pain is the closest thing I can relate mine to.  At least I have the knowledge that he is out there living, playing, being loved, and growing.  If I did not have that, if he was truly gone, I would not know how to live anymore.

As it was, I realized that I had to face life with this new perspective.  I believe I was blessed to have this wonderful man enter my life, even if I wasn't ready for him when he did.  I struggled against the darkness that still haunted me, and sometimes it would win despite my efforts.  There was a point, early in our relationship, where I felt so undeserving of anyone's love, that I acted in a way that should have guaranteed the loss of his.  It was the moment I realized that I could not live without him, and though it was very hard work, together we were able to pull out of that darkness that threatened to swallow me whole.  He stayed by my side, supported and loved me and I will be forever grateful.  I am who I am now because he allowed me to be me then.

Almost a year later, while house sitting for his sister in Atlanta, we discovered that I was pregnant. I, of course, burst into tears feeling all the emotions I went through during my crisis hitting me in one quick shot.  He took my face in his hands and said "Hey, wait a minute- THIS is an amazing thing, and we are going to be great." I looked at him and realized he was right, and that this child would be OURS.  This child, and this man, they were my gift from God, for doing what was right for my son.  And once again, I had faith that everything would be alright.

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