Monday, April 29, 2013

Full Disclosure

Since neither of us had consistent access to a phone and because I knew that he checked his computer daily, I decided the safest and quickest way to reach him was by email.  I kept it relatively brief but cordial, letting him know the reason I was contacting him and basically asking for his blessing with the decision to give the baby up.  In so many ways, I was hoping he just wouldn't respond at all.  Initially, I wasn't granted that reprieve. He wrote back the very next day. In his email he was extremely angry and hateful, calling me names, and ultimately saying that if I was just going to give the baby away, I should give it to him. Are you kidding me??  Give the baby to someone who nearly choked me in my sleep?  Right, that'll happen.
Remembering that sentence and the gall it took to write it still makes my blood boil a bit.

Needless to say, I took my time writing a response to his reactive email.  I honestly wanted him to see things my way, and didn't want to perpetuate the animosity.  I explained why I felt an adoption would be best, that I had been adopted and was better off for it. I even told him that not all adoptions have to be private and that we can choose how involved we want to be.  I said anything that could support my cause and nothing that would be considered spiteful or even unfair to him.  I did this purposely because, while we most certainly could have continued on with hurtful accusations and whether either one of us was fit to raise the child, that would not get me any closer to the end result I hoped to achieve for my baby.  So, I relented and told him I was open to discussing it further.  My next emails received no response.

A few weeks after this, I once again found myself in need of a place to stay.  I contacted my mom (my adoptive mom, who is still my "real" mom by the way) and, though we tried to open the lines of communication again, it was just too soon and the pain still too close to the surface.  I moved from one friend's couch to another's, who was always just as generous with her love, home, and food.  We talked a lot about my current situation and what I should do next. My birth-mother and I were still in touch and, through these late night talks with my friend, I decided that maybe I should come clean with her.  It was somewhat hard to avoid the truth when she kept hinting that she wanted to meet me.

I told her in the next email I sent and also included a telephone number as I no longer had easy access to email.  As soon as she read it, she wasted no time in calling.  Apparently, she had already decided to drive across country in the hopes that I would say yes to a face-to-face meeting.  She was staying about an hour away and decided, now that she knew everything, she was coming the rest of the way.

Though I've never been at peace with my decision to put so much on her so soon, I know now that it was necessary to disclose everything because this pivotal choice played an important role guiding me to the next lesson I had in store, and was an integral part of the road leading me to my son's adoptive parents.

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