Sunday, June 30, 2013

Rekindled Denial

We went home.  I started working for my mom's business, met up with friends, got a car....  It was so odd how things had come all the way back around, I was almost right back where I was when my story began. Almost.

I'm fairly certain that the gravity of everything I had just been through hadn't quite hit me, that the true lessons and changes that had taken a foothold had barely begun to express themselves in my psyche.  In fact, in the beginning of the aftermath, there was a great deal of denial mentally, physically, and emotionally. Being the vessel for this beautiful act, made me feel ugly and empty once I no longer had the luxury of actually witnessing it first hand.  I now only had memories, and too many of them were already becoming fuzzy.  I had moved out of the doing phase and been plunged into the acceptance phase. I was once again in the position of reflection after a whirlwind, and all I can say is- I didn't handle it as well as I would've hoped.  I'm probably being too hard on myself, even though it felt like several years had passed since my last "poor coping with reality" moments, time hadn't jumped ten years into the future and old habits die hard. Still, even looking back at it now, I wish I had learned more from those earlier lessons.

Oh sure, I thought I was untouchable- thought I was doing marvelously. After all, I was back to the life I knew.  Except, I had changed. I fought against this change, for a while refusing to acknowledge it.  I worked everyday, partied all night, convinced myself that I was happy. But the truth, of course, was that I was a complete mess. The mind is an incredible thing, you really can believe any lie you want to tell yourself, if you are willing to believe that is.  And eventually I stopped believing in my own lies. When you come out of a self induced denial, there is inevitable depression, and though I did hide it well, I no longer ignored it's existence.

One of the main motivating factors I had in acknowledging these changes, was reconnecting with a man from my past just a few months after the birth and loss of my son. He proved to have the ability to see beyond the shadows and the lies I told myself, and I think his conviction in my goodness and honest belief in me, altered my course yet again. I fell madly and deeply in love, and that man who entered my life at completely the wrong time, and whom I in no way shape or form deserved, was madly in love with me.

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